JEEPERS CREEPERS!! Can you write a little story that includes 6 of these phrases??

I am soooo far past homework! This is merely good,wholesome fun on YA.



1. OMG....I look like a wall-eyed salmon!!!!

2. Noooo more tattoos....You're beginning to look like a _____.

3. If _____ is elected president I will ___________.

4. Ahhhhhh......Roger that, good buddy

5. I have a what?.......A BRAIN CLOUD?!

6. I'm just gonna shuffle off to Buffalo.

7. I just saw the cute doctor,again. Am I too old to become a nurse?

8. She just ran through here like a ding bat outta hell.

9. On a scale of 1 to 10, you have a personality somewhere between -4 and zero.

10. Oh, gawd!! It's that psychotic bagpipe player, again.

11. You.Me. Asti Spumante.Hot tub........HEAVEN.

12. And that would be funny because....WHY?!

JEEPERS CREEPERS!! Can you write a little story that includes 6 of these phrases??
BARE BELL AND THE MAD BAGPIPER



Life was peaceful at the Golden Age Retirement Home until Prairie Bell Walker came along. People were used to the predictable routine. Life was regular, orderly and ...MORTALLY BORING! At least, that's what George McGregor thought. George had lived at the retirement home for over ten years. He had see a lot of old folks come and go in that time. It could be kind of depressing, because getting out of a place like this usually meant that you had checked into the Eternal Care Center.



But Bell had turned out to be a horse of a different color. Instead of quietly taking up residence, she had hit the door with a BANG! Bell loved being the center of attention, and her enthusiasm knew no bounds. She had gotten a rise out of just about every resident there. It made for a much more lively time....but it was driving the staff crazy!



Last Saturday had been Bell's 87th birthday and she had thrown herself a one-woman party. He couldn't help chuckling about the events. Bell had gone out and gotten herself a new tattoo. Her roommate Marilyn had chided her. "Noooo more tatoos.... You're beginning to look like a billboard!" To this, Bell had replied, "Oh, Mary! You've got to live a little, girl! What have you got to lose? Seize the moment, I say. Besides, I had to get this one before I got any saggier. I figure this here Mickey Mouse will have a few good years before he gets to looking like a blood hound!" Then, she had hooted in laughter.



Lester Smith just harrumphed and rattled his newspaper. "Durn woman doesn't have a lick of decency! Old age is supposed to be dignified. When I hang it up, I'm just gonna shuffle off to Buffalo in my best suit looking like a gentleman." His friend Bill nodded vigorously, but then Bill agreed to everything Lester had to say. Poor old Bill's dementia was getting worse, along with his hearing. "Bill," said Lester angrily, "stop nodding yer head. You look like one of those dumb bobble head dolls! I was just thinking aloud, that's all." Bill gave him a puzzled look. "I have a what? ....A BRAIN CLOUD?!" "Good Lord," sighed Lester, "you certainly do, Bill!" Bill just smiled and nodded some more. "Lester, on a scale of 1 to 10, you have a personality somewhere between -4 and zero!" said Bell. Then, she got up and left the group. After a few minutes, George followed her.



Lunch came and went, and the residents settled in on the patio for a quiet afternoon. Before long, Bill was snoring like a buzz saw. Lester's eyelids grew heavy, then he, too, was fast asleep. Bell and George crept out from behind the building. Bell looked at George and gave him the thumbs up signal. He nodded and took a deep breath. The afternoon quiet was shattered by a jaunty bagpipie tune. George marched like a soldier, parading across the patio and blowing with all his might. Bell was about 6 steps ahead of him, high stepping and twirling a baton. She had on sunglasses, a tiara and NOTHING ELSE!



The residents were startled awake. Rose Thomas saw Bell first, then seized her chest and fell out of her chair. Bill and Lester gaped, bug-eyed and speechless. The couple sashayed past, headed for the front gates.



An orderly came running out. "What the devil is going on?!" he shouted. "The whole world's gone mad!" ranted Lester, "THAT'S what's happening!" The orderly looked around. "OMG!" he yelled, "Mrs. Thomas! Are you all right?" But, of course she wasn't. "Poor woman's gone to harp practice, I expect," muttered Lester. Bill bobbed his head up and down. "Ahhh.....Roger that, good buddy!" "Oh, shut up, Bill!" growled Lester. The orderly was talking to the 911 operator on his cell phone when Bell and George sprinted by in the other direction. The orderly dropped the phone. "What the...?" "Oh, gawd! It's the hussy and that psychotic bagpipe player again!" yelled Lester. People were swarming out of the building now. Two nurses and a doctor started administering CPR. One of the nurses came over. "WHERE are Bell and George?" she demanded. "You should'a seen it!" squeaked Bill. "She just ran through here like a ding bat outta hell!" He was grinning from ear to ear.



On the next trip through the staff cornered them. They were reprimanded - STERNLY. Bell looked serene through it all, and George couldn't seem to wipe the dopey smile from his face. "That was the best time I EVER had in this place!" he crowed. Bell gave him a sly wink. "I just saw the cute doctor again. Am I too old to become a nurse?" "Bell, Honey, you can be whatever you want," said George, "but, I think you're gonna have to put on some clothes." "Spoiled sport!" she shot back.



After that, even grumpy old Lester lightened up. The next day, he was on the patio reading his morning paper. When Bell came out, she had a present for him. "Lester, I took this picture of you and Bill yesterday," she said. "When was that?" asked Lester. "Oh, when we were going by. You were probably too distracted to notice. 'THAT is definitely an understatement," he agreed. She pulled out the photo of their surprised faces. 'OMG...I look like a wall-eyed salmon!!!" was all he could say. "Oh, and one other thing," said Bell. "When I got my tattoo of Mickey, I got another little one to go along with it. It's on my....er....well, you know. Want to know what it is?" "Sure," said Lester. "It's a little heart with your name in the middle." She pulled the waistband of her pants down onto one hip. Sure enough, there was a small, red heart. In the middle was the inscription YOUR NAME. Lester burst out laughing. "Aw, you shouldn't have," he said. Bill nodded his head in agreement.



THE END
Reply:Rikki....It was funny and FULL of life!! Report It
Reply:TIGHT BUNS



Our story begins as we eavesdrop on the conversation between a staff nurse at Mental Health Hospital, Sally Sasquatch, and her friend, hospital volunteer, Doris Robinson.



“Sally, I JUST SAW THE CUTE DOCTOR AGAIN. AM I TOO OLD TO BECOME A NURSE?” asked Doris, as she wiped the perspiration off her sweaty brow with a Kleenex. Sally answered incredulously, “Not if you consider middle-aged to be 65. Maybe you could try being a patient. You could always tell him you have a brain cloud.”



“I HAVE A WHAT?........A BRAIN CLOUD?!” asked the bewildered Doris. “What the heck is that?” Sally answered, with a wink, “Someone with cloudy thinking, of course! That doctor is young enough to be your son, Mrs. Robinson!!”



Doris suggested somewhat desperately, “Maybe a little plastic surgery, a boob job, or another tattoo would make him notice me.” Sally threw up her hands in mock horror, “NOOOO MORE TATTOOS.....YOU’RE BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE A CIRCUS FREAK AS IT IS! Tattoos really don’t look that great on older skin, and you ARE getting a little past your ‘sell date.’ Have you thought about setting your sights on one of the geezer doctors?”



Suddenly, their conversation was interrupted by the loud cacophony of a badly played bagpipe. Doris put her hands over her ears, and asked. “What’s that awful noise?” Sally replied, as she signaled for some aides to come at once, “OH GAWD!! IT’S THAT PSYCHOTIC BAGPIPE PLAYER, AGAIN.”



Doris asked, with a puzzled look on her face, “He looks strangely familiar. Should I recognize him?” Sally said, “Perhaps—He’s the lead singer/bagpipe player with the Scottish Rock Band, ‘The Kilts Men.’”



Upon hearing this, Doris broke out laughing. Sally frowned, and asked, “AND THAT WOULD BE FUNNY BECAUSE.....WHY?” Doris tried to stifle her laughter, as she answered, “Well, you know those rumors about what the Scots wear under their kilts? — I’m happy to confirm those rumors are true, based upon the back view of his very short hospital gown!”



No sooner had the aides led the bagpipe player back to his room, than a woman appeared out of nowhere, swiftly running down the hallway. Sally was calmly sorting through some forms on her desk, and seemed totally oblivious to the runner. Doris shouted to Sally, “Didn’t you see that woman running down the hall? SHE JUST RAN THROUGH HERE LIKE A DING BAT OUTTA HELL!”



Sally answered matter of factly, “Oh, that’s just Mary. She’s a marathon runner in here for rehab. She’s addicted to sex, drugs, and rock and roll.” Doris laughed, as she said, “Oh really!! Well, be sure to keep her out of the bagpiper’s room!!”



Sally grinned as she said, “Actually, I was just kidding. Mary is on staff here. She was running to punch in on the time clock. We keep the male and female patients in completely separate wings.



Doris yawned as she said, “Well, it is late in the day, and since volunteers don’t have to punch time cards, I think I’M JUST GONNA SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO, or my apartment, whichever is closer. Then I’ll pour myself a glass of wine, and sit in my hot tub, while I fantasize about the tight buns of the bagpiper. I’ll just close my eyes and say,

YOU. ME. ASTI SPUMANTE. HOT TUB........HEAVEN.”
Reply:I'm just gonna shuffle off to Buffalo. But I just saw the cute doctor again. Am I too old to become a nurse? He said...OMG I can't believe I'm repeating this...that I look like a wall-eyed salmon!!!!



All I kept thinking was...You, Me, Asti-Spumante. Hot Tub.....Heaven.....But that would be funny because not only do I look like a wall-eyed salmon, but On a scale of 1 to 10, the doctor has a personality somewhere before -4 and zero.
Reply:Oh, gawd!! It's that psychotic bagpipe player, again. If he is elected president I will blow up his bagpipes. He has a cute doctor for his sychotic bagpipe problems. I just saw the cute doctor,again. Am I too old to become a nurse? Maybe I can get an appoint ment and say I have something wrong with me. I have a what?.......A BRAIN CLOUD?! Ahhhhhh......Roger that, good buddy! Maybe I can also say " OMG....I look like a wall-eyed salmon!!!!" That'll catch a psychiatrists attention.



I went to see the doctor and she just ran through here like a ding bat outta hell since she was behind on her appointments. She finally came to my appointment and she cracked up some joke about my personality. She said "On a scale of 1 to 10, you have a personality somewhere between -4 and zero." And that would be funny because....WHY?!

Guess she didn't like me. She also remarked about my ugly tattoos saying "Noooo more tattoos....You're beginning to look like a ape." She still didn't seem to figure out that I liked her. Just to tell her I liked her I said "You.Me. Asti Spumante.Hot tub........HEAVEN." She slapped me around a bit and told me she'd bring back the psychotic bagpipe player if I didn't go to Buffalo. She apprently wanted me out of New York City. I guess I'm just gonna shuffle off to Buffalo so I don't have to see that bagpipe player again. Gosh I hate those bagpipes! Maybe he'd at least play something decent like danny boy.

Dog Teeth