More from my dark side...1st revision...How else can I improve this poem.?

I'd like to begin by saying that I am not ill. However, it is based on my mother's brief fight with lung cancer. So, if you haven't heard, Smoking kills. Constructive criticism, please.



An Unwitting Invitation

misery...



What lurks here in my shadow?

black foreboding specter,

getting larger, growing bolder

soul seeking predator?



foul, is your cadaverous breath

hanging in this noisome coil,

flowing from my heaving chest...

my lungs begin to boil.



The fire within my spirit wanes.

I only wish to breath deep and rest,

but there's a darkness growing here

deep within my ailing breast.



malignant stalking creeper,

desolate black dancer,

demented lifeless reaper,

cell invading cancer.



You, are not welcome here.

Though there's none, but me to blame.

I must accept my time is near.

A moth to flickering flames.



fearful heart leaping...

seductive darkness descends.

bitter brain screaming...

hard confusion ends.



acquiescent mind easing...

etherial lightness ascends.

death rattle ceasing...

soft inclusion begins.



...solace

More from my dark side...1st revision...How else can I improve this poem.?
Quite beautiful. Also unsettling. As a recovering smoker, I really appreciate the feeling behind this. The imagery is vivid, hateful, black and overcoming. You feel short of breath as you read the words. My condolences about your mother. Blessed Be.
Reply:The poem itself is filled with very graphic and horrifying imagery. It should scare any smoker away from those killers.
Reply:A beautiful poem about a really nasty enemy. I lost a deep and sincere love to a bout of lung cancer from smoking, so I know the kind of feelings we can experience. Makes me proud I quit smoking 21 years ago. 1986 was the last time I smoked, and I haven't regretted it to this day.
Reply:Incredible.



I prefer the previous version, it really makes the reader think. This one is more "spelled out".
Reply:Wow. That is a very impressive poem. The reader can really feel the emotion and power. Great!



-Mary
Reply:What a wonderful way to describe misery! Even death appears to be beautiful in poetry. Good job! I like your poem just the way it is.
Reply:Very good but a little too much a slave to rhyme and rhythm and a poem like this shouldn't be. Still, it's the best it could be shackled in those devices.
Reply:What timing! You are next on my "To Read" list. I will let you know which ones I send on.



Also, did I Ta Dah this one:



*****

green of grass covered by leaves.

green of a shamrock flattened by feet.

green of a meadow drowned by rain.

green as a face riddled with pain.

green as mold grown in a dish.

green as avarice felt in a wish.

green as envy

green as can be



*****

art