Untitled Poem...how can I improve it and what should I call it?

Misery...



What is this in my shadow

black foreboading spector,

getting larger, growing bolder

soul seeking raptor?



your foul cadaverous breath,

hangs in the noisome coil.

flowing from my heaving chest...

my lungs begin to toil.



malignant stalking creeper,

desolate black dancer,

demented lifeless reaper,

cell invading cancer.



So little time you've given me

to work out all the knots.

bind your forbidding hand to mine...

a haggard grip you've got.



fearful heart leaping.

bitter brain screaming.

acquiescent mind easing.

death rattle ceasing.



Hush, now...



seductive darkness descends...

hard confusion ends...

etherial lightness ascends...

soft inclusion begins...



...Solace.

Untitled Poem...how can I improve it and what should I call it?
Extremely good job of using creative imagery to build up tension and then release it, from the horrifying to the serene. It makes for a very compelling and powerful poem.
Reply:I meant to say...thanks for everyone's kind words. I don't know what happened there. Report It
Reply:Oh my! It's perfect, but very frightening. The poem ends in light and solace, so I would call it "Darkness Lost," or "Ascension."
Reply:Print it and leave it alone, it's good just the way it is. It shows talent.



And tell the green one she doesn't have a clue what she is talking about. When she has 750 poems published in 3 books, then she can be so critical.



Oh yeah, raptor should be rapture.
Reply:You asked for it! Here's a line-by-line critique/edit of your effort. Enjoy!



Misery...

/* Yah, I guess you are setting the tone with this one word. I think you should set the tone with the poem instead. */



What is this in my shadow

/*This question either ends after "What", or you should have included a comma after "What", and a question mark after shadow. Artistic license does not excuse poor grammar. */



black foreboading spector,

/* You spelled two words wrong in this line. */



getting larger, growing bolder

/* You are inserting some cadence here, but you don't carry it through the poem. If you use a literary device, don't leave it incomplete. You need to consider how this poem comes across to the reader. */



soul seeking raptor?

/* Raptor is not an English word, it's latin for "bird". Are we afraid of a bird? Also, hyphenate soul-seeking. */



your foul cadaverous breath,

/* Please insert a comma between two adjectives, foul and caverous. */



hangs in the noisome coil.

/* I don't think you know what noisome means, and you haven't conveyed how breath can "hang" in a coil. This line looks completely out of place. */



flowing from my heaving chest...

/* is it hanging, or is it flowing? */



my lungs begin to toil.

/* No, they were already toiling, or were you having some kind of seizure when your chest was heaving in the last line? */



malignant stalking creeper,

desolate black dancer,

demented lifeless reaper,

cell invading cancer.

/* I'm not even going to do this line by line. Any one of these would be a decent metaphor, if used in the context of a serious poem. Here, it just looks like you jotted down every way you could think of to artistically describe something evil, deadly and/or dangerous. It's just silly. */



So little time you've given me

to work out all the knots.

bind your forbidding hand to mine...

a haggard grip you've got.

/* Woah! Where did this come from? This is really good (less some grammar problems). It looks like you started telling a story in the middle of your poem. I would love to see you start the poem here and create something around this theme. */





fearful heart leaping.

bitter brain screaming.

acquiescent mind easing.

death rattle ceasing.

/* Yawn. This is more of the same mental garbage as two stanzas ago. */



Hush, now...

/* You should have started the poem with this line. Well, frankly, you should have started the poem in the first place. I suggest you start it here and work forward. */





seductive darkness descends...

/* Umm, we already died in the last stanza, now we're thinking about the darkness as seductive?? */



hard confusion ends...

/* ditto on above comment */



etherial lightness ascends...

/* Seriously, why the hell would you try to end this apparently "dark" effort on a light note? */



soft inclusion begins...

/* If you disregard the above note, this is still a really weak way to end what should be a stark and terrifying poem. */



Recommendations: You should consider rewriting this entire poem with an eye for what, exactly, you are trying to tell the audience. I, for one, am not impressed with your random imagery interspersed with a complete lack of direction or consistency of form.



You get a:



4.0/10 It wasn't good.
Reply:Call it:



Pulling the Plug



or



Please Pull the Plug
Reply:its good..inspiring..
Reply:Worthy of the great Poe. I only saw one flaw, when you said Raptor in your first stanza, when you are speaking of the reaper, it really didn't fit since a raptor is a bird of prey.

If I am incorrect please let me know. Great great great.
Reply:wow this is briliant i've never felt more about a poem like this forever it draws me in and i can get what your talking about i really dont think you need to improve on anything its great