Fr. Al's Challenge: A poem about my cat (please let me know what you think)?

So, Fr. Al gave a challenge today to write a poem about our cat. For those of you that haven't read his work, it's like Einstein posting in the physics section and saying write me a little ditty about relativity. I will leave a link to the challenge and encourage you to read his excellent (truly excellent) cat poems.



Here's my attempt for my 9 year old tortoise shell:



Fiona



Stalker, delicate roof shadow,

hidden tuft of fur, orange and black.

Slinking so that none may follow,

pouncing quickly, a swift attack.



Gold eyes shine like little jewels

between slits in the backyard fence.

Swatting birds down, such utter fools

believing your benign pretense.



Ledge leaper, warm sunshine sleeper,

crying when meals are always late.

Lizard eater, tall-grass creeper,

curled on a pillow so sedate.

Fr. Al's Challenge: A poem about my cat (please let me know what you think)?
Todd, nice job! Only line I'd suggest you check is:



"swatting birds down, such utter fools"...maybe try



"swatting down birds, those feathery fools"



inverting the word order of "down" and "birds" makes it flow better...at least to "my" ears, and "feathery fools" gives you the alliteration expected in the line.



Just some thoughts...otherwise it's outstanding!
Reply:Todd

You have answered me on my poems now I shall do the same for yours and all I can say is this is great. I really didnt know how interested i would be about a poem with a cat. I thought I would be bored that wasnt the case at all I enjoyed it its a very good poem.

~Keep Writting!~
Reply:Todd, this is a very relaxed, playful, enjoyable poem. The descriptions are clever and made me smile. I especially like the last four lines: comical and unique! They flow together so well and natural. I really feel this poem has a lot of personality.



Second segment third line down, I would perhaps rephrase "swatting birds down" to "swat birds down" or "swat the birds down" as it would seem to flow better.



OH ok! very last line, I think "curled upon a pillow so sedate" may flow somewhat better also. I just like the word "upon" I guess! LOL. I think it would work well here though.



:)
Reply:Wow, you're really good. But it looks like you have enough people telling you that. Honestly, I just clicked on your question for fun (I thought it was crazy to write a poem about a cat), but I'm glad I did. I guess you don't always have to write dark poems to achieve a certain level of depth. You can just write about...cats...



But seriously, you're pretty good.
Reply:Excellent! She sounds like a real winner, and quite a hunter. A bit like my Peaches. Loved your quatrain. There are possibly a couple of words in yours I'd cut to give more punch, "roof, hidden, that, a, like, the, down, your, Ledge, warm, always, a" Give it a trial read through and see if the cutting works, on the whole I think it'll bring out your alliteration. She may be old, but still so nimble. Keep writing, you're good.
Reply:I can only continue to say you have incredible talent. Keep writing Todd. I am surely not a cat person , and yet you made me feel I should find your cat and just hold him and comfort him, and then tell him to leave the birds alone, they are so pretty. hahahaha SEriously tho, you can write in a way that anyone can relate to.
Reply:This is outstanding. Very polished.



I posted a silly one on his question.